Keep the secrets or Spil the secrets

Dating Rule #1: Secrets You Must Spill

If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust , some issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of "Is He Mr. Right?" This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).

As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually -- or inevitably -- implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen, a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself." A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow, but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal.

When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, "Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand!" But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control -- out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says Redbook Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men." "They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."

Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises Redbook Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of "Getting the Love Your Want." It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum. "And that can be deeply wounding."

Dating Rule #2: Secrets to Consider Spilling

If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones -- especially those transgressions from your distant past -- that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed.

Here's another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first.

Coming clean about your romantic past is a worthy goal, but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted."

Dating Rule #3: Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him

Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship. If he knew every last detail about your life, what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?

Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough: if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."

Just make sure you and your guy are on the same page. If you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways. Don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag -- and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.

One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car.

Some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out -- and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.

How to Spill a Secret

Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:

Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him. Say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"

Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.

Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"

Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust -- or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.

Analysis of why men cheating?

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary purpose they cheated.
Alot for the myth that for men, cheating is all regarding sex: Only 8 percent of men said that sexual dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is sex," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness — and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your husband swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the marriage you want.

77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it. You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values — it'll create an environment that supports marriage.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.
"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up — and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get better sex with a better-looking body. "In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and sex comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering new sexual positions. (But know that sex does matter — it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Only 6% of cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.
Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs — you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for sex, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating — especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control — your own behavior — and take the lead in bringing your marriage to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate sex more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try, "I think we've started to lose something important in our marriage, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

You in an Emotional Affair?

You've Probably Crossed the Line if You...

1. Touch your male friend in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer.

2. Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him.

3. Think crush-like thoughts like "He'd love this song!"

4. Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.

5. No longer feel comfortable telling your mate about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.

6. Experience increasing sensual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.

It's About to Get Physical When You...

1. Find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other man for support rather than to your mate or a trusted relative or girlfriend.

2. Accelerate the level of intimacy through sensual or suggestive talk over email or the phone.

3. Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.

You Can Avoid the Potential Affair if You...

1. Stay honest with your partner. Share with him all your hopes, triumphs, and failures -- as well as your attractions and temptations, which will help keep you from acting on them.

2. Make time for just the two of you on a regular basis -- away from the kids, your friends, and family.

3. Surround yourself with happy couples who don't believe in fooling around. Having positive, emotionally connected role models will help you stay on track.

Five Questions Must Ask Before Giving em' Boot

Question 1: Has There Been a Major Change in My Life?

Relocation, career change, an illness -- any of these factors can trigger problems in a relationship. If you're stressed out about something, be it a job or family problem, it's all too tempting to generalize these feelings to include your partner. It's very easy to think that if you got out of this relationship you would feel better. In reality, you need to deal with the problem rather than blame it on your partner.

Question 2: What's My Happiness Ratio?

Being blissfully in love with your partner 24/7 is a wonderful concept in theory, but as we all know, real-world relationships rarely live up to these expectations. Many people assume that they have to be 100 percent satisfied with their partners in order to stick with them, but good luck ever finding this perfect scenario!

A better strategy would be to adopt the 80 percent rule. Ask yourself:

Am I satisfied with my partner 80 percent of the time or more? If the answer is yes, then you're working with pretty good odds. If the answer is no, you may want to consider moving on.

Question 3: Is He/She Abusive?

Abusive behavior comes in many forms. There's physical abuse where someone hits, slaps or shoves you. A verbally abusive partner degrades you with harsh words and insults. And the most difficult to identify and pinpoint: psychological abuse. This form of abuse can involve overly controlling behavior, emotional blackmail, and episodes of extreme jealousy. If your partner engages in any of the above behavior, don't just walk -- run from the relationship.

Question 4: Have I Expressed My Frustration?

Many of us think that if our partner was right for us, he/she would be able to understand our needs intuitively without us ever having to communicate. While it would be great if our partners could just read our minds, the truth is that few of us are telepathic.

Good communication is required in every relationship. So before you give your partner their walking papers, make sure to discuss your doubts and concerns so they have a chance to make it up to you.

Question 5: Am I Willing to Work at It?

Whatever your gripes or complaints, there's one factor that can make or break your union: your mutual desire to work on the relationship. If you're not both committed to improving your quality of life together, there's very little hope for the future.

And remember, actions speak louder than words. If both of you make a concerted effort to work on the relationship and make the necessary changes that are required, there's really no reason to call it quits.

What Makes Guy Dump Girl They Dig

We're Not Finished Playing the Field

Bachelor are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new attractive woman, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."

In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many relationship conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it -- I know the exact number of girls I've dated, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women." Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real.

We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario

From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single men are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road. Even if we're crazy about you now,

we panic that you'll pack on the pounds and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things that might be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is complain about how the romance takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is gorgeous, I freak out and bail."

We're in Like, Not in Love

It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because we had fun together and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.

So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me."

We're Too into You

Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first. For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"

Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.

Are You About to Be Jilted?

• His cell phone is always off. He might be spending time with someone he doesn't want you to know about... or he just doesn't want to make himself available.
• He's reluctant to make plans. If he hems and haws about committing to anything -- even if it's in the semi-near future -- he's thinking about making a break for it.
• He's meaner. The passive-aggressive breakup is a guy standby. Some men intentionally turn into whiners to make sure you break up with them.
• He's distant. He doesn't want to feel connected to you -- or he's getting his needs filled somewhere else.

Relational Damage: Caution Signs

When couples wait too long to ask for help, the relationship may be beyond repair. The sooner help is sought, the better chance there is of recovering, saving and actually strengthening the relationship. This includes issues dealing with affairs or other types of betrayal.

The longer we wait, the more entrenched we get in destructive patterns and resentment and all hope for change is lost. At a certain point we don't even want change... we just want to be done.

The seven warning signs that a relationship is in trouble are:

1. Fighting has become the rule rather than the exception to the rule.

2. You find yourself looking outside the relationship for comfort, care, and understanding.

3. You can't remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place.

4. There is little or no intimacy in your relationship -- sleeping in different rooms or different beds, lack of interest, anger, and hostility so that intimacy is out of the question.

5. Spending very little time together, friends seem to be more important than your partner.

6. Reactions to situations are disproportionate to the content of the disagreement (i.e., feeling your partner doesn't love you because she/he didn't like the meal you cooked).

7. Feeling helpless and hopeless to change anything. Feeling done with the relationship, but unclear as to where to go and what to do. Feelings of anger, resentment, pain, and desperation are predominant.

If any or all of these describe you in your relationship, your relationship is in trouble and it won't be long before something more drastic happens, such as an affair, arguments get worse and inflate with intensity, increased jealousy, silence for longer periods of time, and sometimes even physical and/or verbal abuse.

Before your relationship reaches that critical crisis point, look at the warning signs and do something before it's too late:

1. Seek psychotherapy
2. Read books
3. Talk to a spiritual/religious advisor

Without help, the relationship will never get better with time; once a certain level of resentment, anger, and hostility hits, it will simply get worse and worse. Avoiding a total crisis and saving the relationship is done by knowing when you're in trouble and taking immediate action.

By Sharon Rivkin,

9 Reasons of cheating

Cheating is not a caught in the moment thing if you are really into your significant other, you miss them when you are not with them, you don't look for a way to hurt or deceive them. So, are cheaters born cheaters, or do certain situations cause people to cheat? Probably a little bit of both. Here are some situations that make people cheat:

1. Bored
I'd say this is the most common reason that people cheat.It's tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it's still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.

2. Dependence
At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.

3. Confusion
Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.

4. Because They Let You
If any girl ever cheated on me, I'd break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you'll continue to take them back.

5. Nurturing
If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it's not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it's only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.

6. Revenge
This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.

7. Confirmation of Attractiveness
Sometimes when you're in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you're still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you've proven that a new person can be attracted to you.

8. The Thrill
Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, and creating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.

9. They Don't Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might
Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you're "together," and you think date #2 is when you're "together." If you haven't talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.

I don't understand why people don't break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you've ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a committed relationship, does that make you a cheater?

Posted by Rich

Date Tips: How to make him fall in love

The Desire: To Protect

Apparently, the so-called stoic sex is hardwired to nurture. Sheltering you from harm makes him feel studly, which makes him feel good. "Not that you should act helpless, but letting him see your vulnerable side will bring him closer because it unlocks his instincts to take care of you," says David Givens, PhD, author of "Love Signals." So give him chances to take charge, and thank him after he does. When a guy associates you with feeling like Superman, of course he'll want to couple up. These little things can draw out his hero side.

Give him a job: Ask him to fix or build you something. Performing concrete tasks is a way of bonding that enhances his sense of success.

Ask his opinion: Whether it's about your 401(k) options or the best travel sites, it telegraphs that you value his brain as much as you do his brawn.

Wear soft materials: Delicate textures like rayon, silk, and faux fur trigger an intense response in single men. These fabrics accentuate your softer, feminine nature, which heightens his amorous instincts.

Don his clothes: It shows that you've chosen him over other guys.

The Desire: Freedom

Even emotionally healthy single men want assurance that their identities will stay put after they've become half a happy couple. "By making it clear that you don't expect your guy to change, he'll feel like you truly understand him but don't threaten his sense of self," says Dan Neuharth, PhD, author of "Secrets You Keep from Yourself." "That leaves him feeling on sturdy enough ground to commit." The following dating moves let him know you're no ball and chain.

Blow him off: Single men hate the idea of being tied down socially, so turn down occasional plans. He'll not only feel easier -- and open up more -- around you, but he'll also start to wonder what you're doing and pursue you more.

Share your own fears: Guys often hold back because they think most chicks are baby-hungry ring-hunters. So if you feel nervous about committing, let him know. He'll be reassured that you're navigating new waters too, not trying to trap him.

Reinvent yourself: Little changes in your appearance now and then -- say, hair up in a ponytail one day, down the next, etc. -- remind him that you've got zillions of facets to your personality too. Read: no rut risks.

Respect his privacy: A physical space that's totally his is a huge symbol of independence to a man. Signal that you respect that by, say, staying out of desk drawers and not peeking at his caller ID when his phone rings.


The Desire: To Shine

Maybe he's cocky, but he's still insecure. Trust us, guys need to know that they're respected and appreciated. "When being around you increases a guy's esteem, both internally and in the eyes of others, he'll naturally want to be attached to you," says Dr. Dobransky. Here, things that show your high value and nudge him toward love.

Make Him Happier: Laugh when one of you loses balance during an intimate moment. Go to stupid movies. Drag him out when he's crabby. If you can keep things light, even during stressful times, you'll become indispensable.

Be a social butterfly: are good at left-brain stuff, like sales and sports, but can get awkward when it comes to social graces. Take the lead and charm the people you meet and he'll be extra grateful to have you. But he may take credit for making those new friends... whatever.

Play mind games: Activities that require mental prowess -- like Scrabble, puzzles, and chess -- can prod his passion. It sounds nuts, but proof of your problem-solving abilities subconsciously shows him you're a desirable choice for carrying on his genes.

Act like the grand prize: Seeing you through other people's eyes reminds him how special you are. Invite him to an event where you'll excel (whether it's karaoke or a fun run), or have him stand between you and another man you think is getting too close at a bar.

The Desire: Comfort

"Falling in love is a process of developing attachment, which happens when oxytocin floods the brain," says Alan Hirsch, MD, neurological director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. You can unleash those love hormones by making him feel like you two just "fit." When he's so comfortable with you that he stops thinking about your relationship and simply enjoys it, he'll find himself nudged into love territory. Take these dating tips:

Let him see you primp: Grooming in front of him enhances intimacy because it's something other guys don't get to witness. Just keep it goddesslike (applying lipstick or powder), not gross (bleaching your moustache).

Cook together: Being around food spikes oxytocin levels in males. The more often you prep dinner a deux, the more he'll associate you with the good feelings he gets from eating it.

Stock your pad: When buying groceries you don't have a preference on, get a brand he uses. He'll subconsciously feel at home at your place. Catnap near him or let yourself doze off in his arms so he sees you in your most trusting, completely relaxed state.

What Yanks Him Back from the Brink

Some factors can derail a guy who's about to fall.

1) They Get a New Opportunity

A promotion often means spending more hours at work. Instead of balancing that with their love lives, guys tend to prioritize their careers and believe that a solid relationship will endure the delay. So if something big is brewing, he may hold himself back.

2) You Never Fight

Sure, guys hate arguing, but it's worse if you don't react negatively at all when he's screwed up. A guy will worry that (a) you're going to lash out later, (b) you're a doormat, or (c) you're not into him enough to care. Any of these will make him rethink your budding relationship.

3) Pure Panic

Many single men worry that if they commit, they'll have to give something up -- friends, dart night, something. So when a guy realizes he's fallen for you, he may freak out and pull away for a while. If you can weather his big-baby behavior without reacting in a way that confirms those fears, he should snap out of it.

Why shampoo gets your hair worser

Americans shampooed on their hair an average of 4.59 times a week, twice as much as Italians and Spaniards, according to shampoo-maker Procter & Gamble.

But that's way too often, say hair stylists and dermatologists. Daily washing, they say, strips the hair of beneficial oil (called sebum) and can damage our locks.

Shampoo Is Big Business

The current trend of frequent shampoos may have started on May 10, 1908, when the New York Times published a column advising women that it was OK to wash their hair every two weeks. At that time, once a month was the norm.

Decades later, TV marketing campaigns began to convince us that daily washing was the thing to do. A 1970s Faberge ad for Farrah Fawcett shampoo is one example.

"All you have to do is watch her running in slow motion on a beach with her hair flopping gracefully in the wind," says Steve Meltzer, a former ad executive. The idea was, "Wash your hair with this stuff, and you, too, can be like Farrah Fawcett," Meltzer says.

Madison Avenue sold people on the idea that they could shampoo their way back to beauty.

Ads also convinced us that daily hair washing is healthy. Remember the Breck girls? Or how about Christie Brinkley's body-building for hair ad with Prell?

Skipping Shampoos Is, Well, Un-American

Americans took easily to the idea that we should shampoo frequently. And lots of us find it disgusting to shampoo any less than once a day. Take some fitness-conscious college students from Georgetown University, for example. When I told them about the old-time advice to wash once a month, they almost gagged.

"That is way too little hair shampooing," laughs Jane Caudell-Feagan.

"If I don't shower every day, my hair gets greasy, so I think it's completely heinous," says her friend Ashley Carlini. After a workout, they say, it would be disgusting not to wash your hair.

Eco-Conscious 'No-'Poo' Movement

Given our cultural propensity to lather up frequently, it may be shocking that in some eco-conscious circles of society, some people are giving up shampoo.

"There's a lot of people doing this no-shampoo movement," says 20-something blogger Jeanne Haegele. She writes a blog called LifeLessPlastic.

In an attempt to buy fewer items with plastic packaging, Haegele recently went three months without using any shampoo. Instead, she washed her hair with baking soda twice a week and conditioned it with a vinegar rinse.

She says her hair didn't smell, and her friends were very supportive. "Maybe they were secretly wondering why I smelled like a jar of pickles," she says jokingly.

She ended the no-'poo experiment after developing a bad case of dandruff, but Haegele says she might try it again.

She recalls the biggest surprise was that her hair didn't get very greasy. For now, she's using shampoo bars a few times a week.

Dermatologist Recommends Shampooing Less

Experts say Haegele's observations are not flaky. As she washed less, her sebaceous glands began producing less sebum oil.

"If you wash your hair every day, you're removing the sebum," explains Michelle Hanjani, a dermatologist at Columbia University. "Then the oil glands compensate by producing more oil," she says.

She recommends that patients wash their hair no more than two or three times a week.

There's also a lot of variation among hair types. African-Americans and people with curly hair can go even longer between washes compared to folks with straight hair.

So, it seems, less is more. And maybe our grandmothers were on to something after all.

How to know she is with a fake Louis Vuitton?

Many unsuspecting budget fashionistas spend up to $1000 on “authentic” LV bags that turn out to be fakes. Before purchasing your bag, read these basic rules to determine whether or not it is fake.

1. If it claims to be “brand new” and costs less than $300, most likely it is fake.

2. If the “LV” logo is upright on both sides, it might be a fake.

3. If it’s “brand new” and being sold on eBay or Yahoo! Auctions, there is a good chance it’s fake.

4. If the piping is not leather, it is fake.

5. If the seams are uneven, frayed, the monogram is off or the bag is poorly sewn, it is definitely fake.

6. If there is no date code (a.k.a date number) provided or if the seller is reluctant to provide a date code or receipt, it could be fake.

7. If it’s a new bag and the bag’s handle is a different color leather than that of the piping, it’s fake.

8. If the seller doesn’t allow returns, most likely it’s fake.

9. If you bought it in your local Chinatown or from a street vendor, it’s fake.

10. If the dust cover has rounded edges and/or it doesn’t come with a dust cover, it’s fake.

11. If the bag has a hanging tag (of any type) or a bright yellow tag or envelope, it’s definitely a fake.

12. If you bought the bag on an ecommerce site other than eluxury.com (be careful of eBay), it’s fake.

Steps of Detox to revitalize

Your body is naturally equipped with a self-cleaning process. But too much sugar, caffeine, processed foods, stress, and too little exercise can slow the body's natural detox function to a slow pace. And then your body can't clean itself when it is put up against the increasing number of harmful and toxic substances in the environment. Toxins come in many forms: pesticides in produce, formaldehyde in carpets and cosmetics, PCBs from plastic containers, dioxins from bleached paper products, and more.

Your body will process and eliminate some of the hordes of chemicals that enter, but overflow gets stored in the liver, lungs, kidneys, fat cells, intestines, blood stream, and skin—which can result in chronic illnesses down the road. When you undergo a detox, you get these toxins out of your system.

How do you know if you need a detox?
You know you're suffering from toxic overload if you are experiencing fatigue, memory decline, difficulty focusing, allergies and infections, irritability, anxiety and depression, difficulty with weight gain and weight loss, muscle and joint pain or weakness, skin rashes and outbreaks, recurrent yeast and fungal infections, constipation, diarrhea, abdominal bloating, and indigestion.

Most people report vast improvement in their symptoms after a detox. At first, you may feel a little fuzzy because of the toxins being released. However, when you stick with it, you will begin to feel more alert, energized, and full of vitality.

At-Home Detox
Start small! Begin with a one-day program and gradually increase to one week or more. Here are 5 steps to a daily detox that will gently cleanse your body:

1. Start the Detox Day Right
• First thing in the morning, drink one lemon squeezed in 12 ounces of warm filtered water. Lemon activates your liver to release toxins and helps to cleanse and move the roughage that stays behind in your intestines.

• Take acidophilus or a probiotic supplement. Acidophilus is one of the many "good" bacteria and yeasts known as the probiotics. Probiotics balance our intestinal functions, helping to break down food and control the "bad" bacteria that is also in your system—all of which optimizes the detoxification process. Always take probiotics on an empty stomach.

2. Your Detox Meals
These meals are designed to jump-start your body into becoming healthier.
• Breakfast: Eat oat bran cereal, brown rice, or any other whole grain cereal as long as it is unbleached and does not contain any added sugar or chemicals. Pair with unflavored soy milk.

• Lunch or Dinner: Eat any combination of beans, brown rice, oat bran, vegetables, and organic chicken, turkey, or soy-products. When you eat, notice how your food affects you. You should feel satisfied and energized. If you feel tired and sluggish, try eating smaller meals so that you don't overwhelm your digestion and interfere with the detoxification process.

3. Eat Green to Spring into Health
The green pigment in plants, chlorophyll, is structurally similar to the hemoglobin in the human body—the iron-containing element in blood. It increases red blood cell production and improves oxygenation, detoxification, and circulation. Be sure to eat several servings of fresh green vegetables every day during your detox. Try this super-cleansing broth and juice as a quick way to up your veggie intake.

Detox Broth: Add as many of these ingredients as you can into a large pot of filtered water: collards, Swiss chard, kale, mustard greens, cabbage, dandelion, Brussels sprouts, daikon radish, watercress, seaweed, shitake mushrooms, cilantro, garlic, leeks, fresh fennel, anise, fresh ginger, and turmeric. Boil until all ingredients are soft. You can make in a large batch and refrigerate for up to three days.

Detox Juice: Juice the following together: Aloe vera juice (which can be found in most health food stores), apples, asparagus, beets (including greens), cabbage, carrot and carrot greens, celery, cucumbers, and parsley. You can also purchase vegetable juice from the store, but be sure that it has no added salt or chemicals.

4. Supplement Your Detox
• Take a daily supplement of 1 tablespoon of flax seed oil, walnut oil, or deep-sea fish oil.

• Green Tea is a strong antioxidant, and a great beverage choice for your detox. Be sure to drink decaffeinated green tea.

• Dandelion and Milk Thistle both protect and restore the liver. According to Chinese medicine, the liver is most active in the detoxification process during spring.

• Ginger is a bowel and kidney cleanser. Make yourself tea from fresh ginger root during your detox.

A popular herbal formula among my patients is Internal Cleanse, a special combination of natural herbs to detoxify, calm nerves, clear the mind, promote emotional balance, and ease digestion.

5. Take an Invigorating Herbal Soak
Soak for 20 minutes in a revitalizing herbal bath. Help draw out toxins by infusing your bath water with eucalyptus, wintergreen, peppermint, fennel, cinnamon, and epsom salts.

Spring may be the best time to cleanse your body, but you don't have to wait until spring to start. Detoxification and cleansing is a healthy maintenance program for all seasons.

Dr. Maoshing Ni

Vivid Dreams

Just back to a few days ago, I went through a period of having nightly dreams that were so vivid and frightening that I would wake up in a battle stance against my imaginary attackers, only to find my cat staring at me like she desperately wanted a new owner. Nightmares are one thing, but these were so lifelike, it took me a while to separate the dream from reality after waking. I still recall each sensory detail of those dreams in all their horror.

We spend about six years of our life dreaming and have accumulated much lore about what those dreams mean, but scientists who focus on oneirology—the study of dreams—still know very little about the actual process of dreaming. We do know that they arise from Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep, in which the brain is as active as it is when the body is awake. Sometimes these dreams are extremely vivid, so much so that the dreamer often has trouble understanding that he or she is not actually awake.

Vivid dreams can be either pleasant or frightening. They have a variety of potential causes, from deeper systematic woes to simpler dietary hiccups. Provided they are not associated with any adverse health effects, vivid dreams can be a tool for achieving more lucid dreams and increased awareness while dreaming.

You Should See Your Doctor If …
You notice symptoms of bipolar disorder or diabetes, since both of these conditions may cause vivid dreaming. Both interrupt REM sleep and therefore affect the body’s ability to separate dreams from waking perceptions. The same effect can occur from taking depression medication, sleep medication, and some over-the-counter drugs. If you notice a recent development of abnormal dreaming associated with a change in your health, it is a good idea to see your doctor to rule out any of these possibilities.

Expecting More Than Work Tomorrow?
Many pregnant women experience vivid dreams, both pleasant and disturbing. Researchers have concluded that these dreams are a way for expectant mothers to prepare for the huge life changes that will accompany their child’s birth. Women have reported dreams of cutting their stomachs open to pull the baby out before it comes to term, delivering deformed children or beasts, or being caught unprepared for motherhood once their babies are born. There is no reason to believe these dreams are prophetic or in any way based in reality. They are simply the result of hormonal changes and the need to discharge fears surrounding the anticipated event of birth. It may be helpful to speak to a support group of other pregnant women, mothers, your partner, or a therapist about these fears, but they are completely normal.

The Link Between Diet and Dreams
You’ve probably heard that spicy or fatty foods can give you nightmares, but the link between food and sleep goes beyond that. Vivid dreams are a symptom of a vitamin B6 (pyridoxine) excess in the body and can be a warning sign of more complex neurological disorders if over ingestion is continued. Most cases of vitamin B6 excess are due to supplements; limit intake to 100 milligrams (mg) or less per day to avoid toxicity.

Low blood sugar, or hypoglycemia, is another cause of vivid dreams. When the brain senses that glucose levels are low, it will do strange things to get stored glucose into the blood stream. One way it does so is through adrenaline spurts. If your vivid dreams are accompanied by a feeling of being “wired” (if, like me, you find yourself doing ninja kicks around your bedroom at those pesky alien invaders), it likely stems from a blood sugar issue. I solved my problem by adding more protein to my diet, especially before going to sleep. It keeps my glucose levels regulated throughout the night and I sleep much more peacefully.

Take Control with Lucid Dreaming
The problem with vivid dreams is separating them from waking reality. However, the practice of lucid dreaming, in which you become increasingly aware of your dreams until you actually develop the ability to control them, may offer a solution that doesn’t stem from any of the root causes listed above. Oneironauts, or lucid dreamers, train themselves to alter their dream experiences to include flight, exotic travel, delicious tastes, and any other vivid experiences they desire. Researchers at the Lucidity Institute at Stanford University have developed a Super NovaDreamer kit that helps you recognize “dream signs” or signals that tell you that you’re dreaming. With practice, you learn to recognize and manipulate these dream signs to dictate the elements that will appear in your dream. It’s like a virtual reality game in your head.

Dreams come in all varieties, from the simply satisfying to the seriously scary. Most of the time, we don’t even remember having dreamt, but many people experience dreams so vivid that they spill over into the next day, blurring the edges of reality. After ruling out a more systematic cause of vivid dreams like diet or disease, you might be interested in taking the next step and playing around with how you can take advantage of this other dream world.

10 First Date Tips for Ladies

First date always sends jitters down the spine and leaves you with cold feet. Here are some tips which will help cope with cold sweat and butterflies in the stomach.

1. Dress modest - Dress to impress. Don't reveal too much of your skin. Though you mean well, you might be sending wrong signals. First get to know each other well, then dress the way you like.

2. Manners and etiquettes - Carry your best manners and etiquettes in your handbag. However do not try to be too nice. You might end up going for a 'joy ride.' Be polite but know where to draw the line. If need be use your nails to skin him alive.

3. Avoid going to movies - Avoid movies. This will kill substantial part of your time, which if used well, could help get to know each other. Meet over a cup of coffee or even better, lunch.

4. Pay or Dutch - If you are dated for lunch or dinner, offer to pay for the bill. If he is too pushy over settling the bill himself Dutch the bill. This is good etiquette and will take you a long way. However for coffee, if he insists, you can let him settle the bill.

5. Do not act dumb - If you are bubbly and intelligent do not put up a facade of being dumb or less intelligent for the fear of scaring him away. If your intelligence scares him off, you are better off without him. Remember never to pretend what you 're not. This will never help. It might embarrass you at the wrong hour.

6. Be a good listener - Pay attention when he is saying something. You can judge a person by his views, tastes, likes and dislikes. You will get to know all this if you are a good listener. However do not let him know all about you, leave some surprise for a later date.

7. Do not rush - Don't get carried away by his sweet talks and make wedding plans on your first date. Remember he is putting his best foot down. Like you, he too is reading dating tips for his first date.

8. Do not get drunk - I will not give a sermon on ill effects of drinking. It would be best if you could avoid alcohol. If you do drink remember your limit.

9. Be on your guard - Let your friends or parents know where you are going and with whom. In case of emergency either of you can reach each other. Read between the lines and see what he is conveying. If you feel he is going overboard and you can't manage it, just leave. Don't even bother faking a headache.

10. Stick to handshake - Handshake is permitted; do not offer a hug or a kiss. If he bends over to kiss you, politely decline it saying, "we'll save it for our next date." It depends however if you would want another date after all.

Skin Care

Providing the right skin care (including cleansing skin care, facial toning, moisturizing, exfoliation and body cleansing) help keeps your skin looking healthy. Healthy skin looks better, gives you greater confidence and protects the body. This article tells you more on:

Providing the right skin care (including cleansing skin care, facial toning, moisturizing, exfoliation and body cleansing) help keeps your skin looking healthy. Healthy skin looks better, gives you greater confidence and protects the body.

It is important that people choose the right type of skin care, as this will reduce problem areas and prevent further skin damage from occurring. Correct way of skin care will help people treat any skin disorders they may have and limit or prevent skin reactions.
Different Methods of Skin Care

Cleansing, toning, moisturizing and exfoliation all serve different purposes and all of them are necessary to keep your skin looking its very best.

CLEANSING
Cleansing removes dirt, bacteria and dead skin cells from the surface of the skin. Cleansing skin care is perhaps one of the most important things we can do to help keep our skin looking healthy and beautiful. Without cleansing, our faces would develop a build-up of materials that would make our faces dirty, shiny and dull. The bacteria and dirt on our face would also increase the risk of bacterial infections, leading to skin problems like acne. Cleansing is particularly important for people with oily skin, who have excess oil on their face which attracts dirt and debris.
Cleansing should not just stop with the face. Body cleansing is also important. However, a different type of cleansing may be needed for the body, than the cleansing which is needed for the face.

TONING
Facial toning does a number of things to keep your skin looking healthy. Firstly, it removes traces of dirt and debris that are left after cleansing. It also restores the skin's natural pH balance.
Toning is very beneficial for the pores. It helps tighten them up so that there is less chance of infection and acne. A good toner can tone up the skin and make it appear smoother

MOISTURIZING
Moisturizing helps hydrate the skin and prevent it from further moisture loss. It can also provide a protective barrier to stop moisture from escaping from the skin. Water and many skin care products can strip the skin of moisture. Moisturizing lotion helps replace that loss moisture. It is very important for people with dry skin, who have less sebum (the skin's natural oil) on their skin.
Face masks can also have a moisturizing effect. Moisturizing face masks are very good for people with dry skin who may need some extra moisture and attention.

EXFOLIATING
Exfoliating removes dirt, debris and dead skin cells on the surface layer of the skin. It provides a more thorough clean than cleansing. Removing the top layer of skin helps the new healthy skin to appear.

Sexual Problems in Women

What are sexual issues?

A sexual issue means that sex is not satisfying or positive for you. In women, common sexual issues include feeling little or totally no interest in sex, having problems getting aroused, or having trouble with orgasm. For some women, pain during intercourse is a problem.
Most women have a sexual problem at one time or another. For some women, the problem is ongoing. But your symptoms are only a sexual problem if they bother you or cause problems in your relationship.
There is no "normal" level of sexual response, because it is different for every woman. You may also find that what is normal at one stage of your life changes at another stage or age. For example, it's common for an exhausted mother of a baby to have little interest in sex. And it's common for both women and men to have less intense sex drives as they age. This is linked in part to hormone changes in the body.

What are some causes of sexual problems in women?
Female sexuality is complex. At its core is a need for closeness and intimacy. Women also have physical needs. When there is a problem in either the emotional or physical part of your life, you can have sexual problems.

Some common causes include:
Emotional causes, such as stress, relationship problems, depression or anxiety, a memory of sexual trauma, and unhappiness with your body.
Physical causes, such as hormone problems, pain from an injury or other problem, and certain conditions such as diabetes or arthritis.
Aging, which can cause changes in the vagina, such as dryness and stiffening.
Certain medicines that can cause sexual problems. These include medicines for depression, blood pressure, and diabetes.

What are the symptoms?
Sexual problems can include:
Having less desire for sex.
Having trouble feeling aroused.
Not being able to have an orgasm.
Having pain during intercourse.

How are sexual problems in women diagnosed?
Women often recognize a sexual problem when they notice a change in desire or sexual satisfaction. When this happens, it helps to look at what is and isn't working in the body and in life. For example:

Are you ill, or do you take a medicine that can lower your sexual desire or response?
Are you stressed or often very tired?
Do you have a caring, respectful connection with a partner?
Do you and your partner have the time and privacy to relax together?
Do you have painful memories about sex or intimacy?
Your doctor can help you decide what to do. He or she will ask questions, do a physical exam, and talk to you about possible causes.

Some women find it hard to talk to their doctor about sexual problems at first. Sometimes it helps to write out what you want to say beforehand. For example, you could say something like "For the past few months, I haven't enjoyed sex as much as I used to." Or you could say "Ever since I started taking that medicine, I haven't felt like having sex."

Treatment for sexual problems depends on what is causing the problem. There may be one or more issues causing the problems. Many sexual problems can be worked out after you know the cause or causes.

Sex involves emotional, physical, and relationship issues. Successful treatment requires a high level of comfort between you and your doctor. Ideally, you and your partner will also be able to talk openly about sexual concerns. Treatment may include treating health problems, getting communication counseling, and learning about things you can practice at home. For example, you might take a warm bath to relax, have plenty of foreplay before sex, or try different positions during sex.

Right Way To Wash Your Hair

Most of us think we have this all down pat, but for all we know, we might be wrong. After all, we have been washing our hair all our lives. How could we go wrong with something like washing your hair? However, we might be washing our hair the incorrect way and contribute to its damage without actually knowing it.

What we should remember about our hair is that the individual strands of our hair, no matter how thick or strong it looks, is actually very delicate. So we cannot just tug and pull at it, or else it would break. We would not want to have hair breakage, would we?

So, what is the right way of washing the hair? The first thing you should do is to comb the tangles out of the hair before you wet it so the hair would wash easily and the tangles would not worsen. And then, wet your hair thoroughly under the shower. You can use either warm or cold water if you like, but for best results, you can wet your hair with warm water to open the scale-like cuticles of the hair and wash all the oil and dirt off. After that, you can rinse your hair with cold water afterwards to close the cuticles and add to the shine of your hair.

Rinse your hair under the shower to rid it of the leave-on conditioner and styling aids you have used previously, using gentle strokes of your fingertips. Then, pour a dollop of shampoo in the palm of your hand. Rub your hands together, and then apply the shampoo to your scalp. Take note that you should put the shampoo on your scalp and not at the ends of your hair, as the shampoo would dry your hair's ends and cause it to weaken and split. Also, do not mix your hair all over your head as you shampoo because it will get all tangled up. After this, rinse the shampoo off.

More often than not, we need to shampoo our hair for another time. The purpose of the first shampoo is to clean the oil and dirt off; the second shampoo is supposed to let the shampoo treat our hair. So, repeat the process, but let the shampoo sit on for around a couple of minutes. Rinse the hair completely after this.

To get the excess water off your hair, just squeeze the water out. Do not pull or tug at the hair because the hair is at its most delicate when it is soaked. When the excess water is out, apply a dollop of conditioner - mane event - and apply it along the hairline, the nape and the ends of the hair. Pile your hair then inside a shower cap and let the conditioner stay there for around ten minutes. And then, rinse it off completely.

The process described here does seem tedious and time-consuming. But keep in mind, having great hair needs time and effort. And it is definitely worth it for a picture perfect hair.